East or West, Our Fight Isn’t A Contest
Growing up in India, my perception of the ‘Western’ world was always about freedom. Especially in contexts like romantic relationships, children, independence, etc. Somehow, I got the idea that nobody cares about the ‘different’ choices of other people in this land far far away (thanks to the movies and shows I was watching). It was so ideal to me because it felt like one had the freedom to do anything and not think about the consequences, mostly related to izzat (reputation) and khaandaan (family).
Of course, as an adult, I realised how farther away from the truth I was. It was the glorification of the West in those shows. Why would anybody show their own country in a bad light, right? Little by little, year upon year, the Western world unravelled in front of me, making me realise that at some level, we’re all technically the same. And then I moved to the West in 2020.
I was already well on my childfree journey by this time. There were no Indian groups or women talking about this choice. Every time I searched for a community or a person on social media, inevitably accounts belonging to women from the West would pop up. So I followed a few. My perception changed all the more. I saw these women being trolled for making this decision and realised that I could relate to them.
It’s equally bad for women to be vocal about being childfree by choice, irrespective of the country they belong to.
Now, according to me, there are mainly two reasons why women get trolled in the first place:
1) Gender
2) Religion/Society/Culture (whatever you want to call it).
Globally, nobody likes women who speak up for their choices, their rights, and their decisions. They don’t like the authoritative positions we can take in the vehicle of our own lives. That is also where the second ground comes in, because 1) doesn’t work by itself, people resort to 2) again, all around the world. Throwing all religious, ‘our society’ statements and ‘in our culture’ logic.
You can blame me all you want when I bring patriarchy into this context but well, it’s a large part of it. These rules that men have laid down both, for our gender and for religion at large are helping nobody but just them. In India, we have innumerable Goddesses, all probably passed down in oral history via men but the respect remains limited to our holy books. In most households even today, that respect towards a female figure doesn’t leave the pages of those books. They can be modern all they want, but there are always unwritten rules and lines that cannot be crossed.
As women, our fight remains the same at some level, anywhere in the world. Add the apparent sin of not choosing to birth to this and we get a deadly combination of all things “wrong” with us cis het women.
A friend and I were having this conversation about choosing to be childfree and when she pointed out how this issue is different in India, it reminded me of the same belief I had two years ago. Societies all around the world have ideologies that they try and push on every generation. It differs in terms of culture, there’s no doubt about that and that is also why the layers become varied. But in all essentiality, the problems remain the same. The fact that women are deciding to uncheck the one thing they are supposedly “blessed” with; that societies everywhere have, more or less, continued the same cycle since centuries; that the gender labelled inferior at other times but superior only when it comes to birth is taking matters into its own hands when it comes to their own bodies and trying to break this cycle; trying to come out of oppression — all of these struggles remain the same.
It should come as no surprise that women are reconsidering marriages when it comes to being childfree. The dating scene has changed everywhere because this is a certainty for a lot of people and some people are on the fence about this decision — but it all matters. The moment you consider it as nothing but a choice, you hold the power to put every other aspect on the back burner including the all-encompassing society. At least for me, I am now able to view society always from a step back. Not something I have to be a part of when it is least concerned with making my life better.
